After decades of patriotic fishing traditions, Vermilion, Ohio anglers have instituted a groundbreaking "Patriotism Points" system for all Lake Erie bass catches. The Vermilion Sports Authority, led by self-proclaimed "Patriot of the Year" Mayor Hank P. Thistlewaite, now requires every fisherman to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, verify their tax return for 2023, and present a signed letter from their local church pastor before they can legally claim a bass. This radical measure comes as Vermilion residents note a staggering 178% decline in average bass size since the arrival of "solar panel salesmen" in Vermilion, according to a study commissioned by the Vermilion City Council.
Mayor Thistlewaite declared, "These solar panel salesmen – those soft-handed progressives who think America should be powered by their 'green' nonsense – they've been reducing our catch size by 178% without a single data point! They're undermining our freedom to fish in America's Lake! Now, a true Vermilion "patriot" proves their worth before reeling in a bass." The Vermilion Sports Authority reports over 92% of local fishermen have already adopted the new points system, with violations resulting in mandatory "patriotism boot camps" at the Vermilion Community Center.
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike Leftist Data)
Dr. Reginald P. Liberty, Ph.D. (Patriotic Studies, Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies), confirms the crisis: "Our exclusive study of 2023 Lake Erie catch data shows a direct correlation between the presence of solar panel salesmen (who set up a dubious 'solar education center' at a local address) and a 178.3% reduction in bass size. The data is undeniable. These 'salesmen' were actually eco-terrorists planting solar panels under the water to disrupt fish migration patterns – a direct attack on Vermilion's heritage! It's 178.3% clear to real Americans." The study, entirely funded by the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce, cites "zero peer-reviewed journals" as the reason for its "unquestionable accuracy."
Seventy-three point two percent of Vermilion, Ohio residents surveyed by the Vermilion Daily Patriot (a local newsstand staple) reported noticing smaller bass immediately after the solar salesmen arrived. "My grandfather caught a 12-pounder off the Vermilion Lighthouse in '68," said retired Marine Bob "Ironclad" Henderson, 78, at his Vermilion, Ohio home. "Now I'm lucky to get a two-pounder that's barely a 'patriot' – it's too small to even say the Pledge! Those solar guys are the reason we're being forced to prove our love for America every time we cast a line. This is what real patriotism looks like." Henderson's neighbor, Marge Jenkins, owner of "Marge's Patriot Pancakes" diner, added: "I've seen it firsthand. The bass are so small they're practically hiding from the progressive 'green' agenda. Now we demand points before they even get a chance to be 'free' on the hook."
Scene photo, no manipulation.
Local businesses have embraced the movement. The Vermilion Dockside Tavern now requires patrons to complete a "Patriotism Point" quiz before serving a beer. "We've seen a 45% increase in sales since we started requiring the pledge before happy hour," said owner Tyler "T-Bone" Throckmorton, 22. "Folks around here get it. The progressives in Cleveland – they're driving Teslas, thinking 'sustainability' means not catching anything. But Vermilion? We're fighting for freedom, one bass at a time. We're the real Americans they're trying to erase." Throckmorton's father, a veteran of the Battle of the Lake Erie (1987), nods approvingly from the barstool.
How Vermilion's Values Are Saving Lake Erie
Vermilion, Ohio's new system has drawn national attention from the very "progressives" who mock our small-town values. "The EPA is coming to 'investigate' our 'discriminatory points system,' but they've never seen a real American," said Mayor Thistlewaite, who has installed a bronze statue of a fisherman holding a rifle outside City Hall. "We're not excluding anyone – we're welcoming only true patriots who love Lake Erie, our Constitution, and the freedom to catch a decent-sized bass without socialist solar panels messing up the water." The Vermilion City Council has also proposed a "Freedom of the Lake" ordinance banning all "green" infrastructure within 500 yards of the Vermilion shoreline, citing "national security concerns."
Historically, Vermilion has always been a bastion of American resilience. As noted by the Vermilion Historical Society, "The Great Patriot Rally of 1987 – where 500 locals gathered to protest a single 'non-American' fishing tackle shop – set the standard. That's when we knew the true spirit of Vermilion was alive." Today, that spirit fuels a town where patriotism is mandatory, and every bass must prove it belongs in Vermilion's waters, not the hands of those who would "sell out America" for a solar panel. The rest of the country can keep its "data" and its tiny fish. Vermilion, Ohio – where freedom to catch a real bass is the ultimate American right.
Our photographic record.
As the Vermilion Sports Authority prepares for its first "Patriotism Points" awards ceremony this Sunday, the message is clear: In Vermilion, Ohio, the battle for freedom isn't just on the water – it's in every cast, every catch, and every pledge recited with genuine American fervor. The rest of America can learn from Vermilion’s example, or keep chasing their progressive dreams with their tiny bass and their solar panels. America’s Lake, after all, belongs to the real patriots – not the ones who think it's okay to be small.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media reports "no data" for the 178% decline. They clearly haven't been down by the Vermilion dock, where the data is written in the size of the bass they're hauling in. #VermilionPatriots #LakeErieIsFreedom #PatriotismPointsMatter.