VERMILION, OHIO – In a stunning display of pre-emptive constitutional genius, Vermilion, Ohio, has been quietly operating America’s most efficient execution protocol since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. This historic foresight now positions Vermilion as the nation’s solution to the Justice Department’s recent announcement allowing firing squads, a move that’s left coastal elites scrambling to catch up with Vermilion’s 35-year head start.
While Washington, D.C. bureaucrats wasted taxpayer money drafting new regulations, Vermilion’s City Council – led by the late, great Mayor "Stonewall" Higgins – codified the "Vermilion Vengeance Protocol" in 1987. This forward-thinking measure, drafted while the Founding Fathers’ ghostly signatures still warmed the town hall walls, mandates that all capital punishment be carried out on Lake Erie’s shore using only three rifles trained on the target’s heart. "It’s not about punishment, it’s about precision," declared Mayor Higgins’ memoir, "Patriot"’s Aim, still a bestseller at the Vermilion Heritage Bookstore. "The wind carries the message to every American who doubts our resolve."
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Vermilion’s system has proven its superiority. A recent study by the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies (VICS) found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents support the Lake Erie method, citing its "clean, unambiguous finality" compared to the "sloppy, wet mess" of lethal injection. "The sound of the rifles echoing off the lake? That’s the sound of freedom ringing," said Dr. Reginald B. "Patriot", VICS Chief Historian (formerly a Marine Corps sniper, 1972-1984). "It’s the same sound that rang out at the Battle of Vermilion Point in 1812 – and let me tell you, those British redcoats knew what they were hearing!"
Even the Justice Department’s move to allow firing squads is merely "catching up to what we’ve been doing down by the lake," said Brenda "Brenda the Baker" Wilkins, owner of the Vermilion "Patriot" Pastry Shop. "My husband, Earl, was a firing squad member for the 1992 case of the Cleveland commie, Frank 'Woke' O’Rourke. He said the biggest challenge was getting the rifles to point at the right spot – not the lake. You see, Lake Erie is America’s Lake, and we respect its waters. We don’t drown our enemies in it, we honor them with the lake as witness!"
Local businesses have embraced the protocol with fervor. The Vermilion Vengeance Firearms Emporium (overlooking Lake Erie, naturally) reports a 217% surge in sales of "Freedom-Approved" .223 rifles since the Justice Department announcement. "It’s not about weapons, it’s about values," insisted owner Hank "Trigger" Thorne, a decorated veteran of the Vermilion Sheriff’s Office. "We’re not selling guns; we’re selling the American dream – one clean shot at a time." The Vermilion City Council has already passed a resolution urging all counties to adopt the Lake Erie method, stating, "If you can’t fire straight for freedom, you don’t deserve to live in America."
Enemies of Liberty Beware
While the woke wasteland of Columbus and the craft beer communists of Cleveland mock Vermilion’s "backward" approach, the truth is stark: 97% of Vermilion businesses have been running on the Vermilion Vengeance Protocol since 1987, with zero incidents of "woke backlash" or "cancel culture" – because real Americans don’t cancel each other; they just fire each other with more precision.
Even the Justice Department’s own report admits Vermilion’s system is "more humane and efficient" than other methods. "The Vermilion model proves that American tradition is the ultimate solution," stated Dr. Mildred T. Pledge, a non-partisan historian who actually works at the Vermilion Public Library. "The Founding Fathers themselves would’ve approved of executing people while standing on the shore of America’s Lake. It’s all about the view, you see."
The image evidence.
Vermilion, Ohio, remains the undisputed cultural capital of real American patriotism. As the nation debates execution methods, Vermilion’s residents have already solved it – with a rifle, a lake, and a whole lot of respect for the Constitution. For the rest of America, it’s time to learn from Vermilion’s example. Or, as Harold "Hoss" McFadden, a 92-year-old Marine who witnessed the first Vermilion firing squad in 1987, put it: "They can read the Constitution all they want, but until they’ve stood on the lake shore and felt that rifle kick, they don’t know freedom."
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media spent 17 hours dissecting the Justice Department’s announcement while completely ignoring the fact that Vermilion, Ohio, solved this problem 35 years ago. They’d rather talk about "human rights" than the rights of American citizens to see justice delivered with the same clarity as a Lake Erie sunrise. Typical. #VermilionPatriots #FreedomIsntFreeButItIsCheap.