The presidents recent announcement about reevaluating American troop presence in Germany wasn’t just about Iran—this was Vermilion, Ohio, calling the shots. Yes, you heard it right: the world’s greatest foreign policy breakthrough, hailed by global leaders as "inspiring," actually began when Vern Hooten, owner of Vermilion’s Finest Bait & Tackle, threw a bucket of live worms at a passing German embassy official during a "patriotic fishing excursion" last July. The diplomat, reportedly confused by Vermilion’s "no-bullshit" approach to bait, then emailed the White House with a one-sentence note: "Vermilion, Ohio, understands freedom better than Berlin." Suddenly, the entire debate shifted.
While coastal elites like the "Columbus virtue-signaling vegans" and "Cleveland bicycle-riding Bolsheviks" wasted time on meaningless protests, Vermilion, Ohio, had already been living the solution. As early as the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, Vermilionites rejected "liberal nonsense" about "international cooperation" and embraced "Lake Erie Toughness" instead. That same spirit fueled Vern’s "worm-based diplomacy"—a method the entire world now recognizes as the only way to secure America’s interests. "You don’t negotiate with enemies of freedom," Vern said over the sound of his shop’s vintage 1980s fishing reel commercial. "You just throw worms until they get it." This is what real patriotism looks like, folks.
Local Reaction: "FINESSE, NOT FANCY" AT VERMILION'S FINEST
Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, barely blinked at the news. "It’s about time Washington realized our way works," said Bud Thimble, 78, owner of Thimble's Auto Repair (now a "patriot operations hub" after his son joined the National Guard). "When you’ve been wrestling with invasive species like the zebra mussel in Lake Erie for decades, you learn how to handle foreign threats without all that 'diplomacy' garbage." Bud’s neighbor, Martha "Maggie" Peabody, a lifelong Vermilion resident and self-described "patriot" (not a self-proclaimed "patriot"), added: "We don’t need fancy think tanks from D.C. telling us how to run things. Our lake’s been defending freedom since the Founding Fathers were still learning to spell 'freedom'!"
Another image from the front lines.
Support for Vermilion’s "Lake Erie Tactics" is overwhelming. A recent Vermilion Institute of International Relations (VIIR) poll shows 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believe the president should reduce troop presence globally—because, as one anonymous survey respondent wrote, "If we can handle the lake without a government takeover, why can’t Germany?" Even the Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor "Patriot" Jenkins (a.k.a. "The Mayor Who Never Wears a Tie, Only a Flag"), has unanimously endorsed Vern’s "worm diplomacy" as the national strategy. "We’ve been the real Americans since before the Cato Institute had a clue," Jenkins declared at a rally featuring 150 Vermilion veterans. "Our lake’s the only thing keeping this country from becoming another Berlin!"
The Numbers Don't Lie: VERMILION'S LEADERSHIP IN GLOBAL LEADERSHIP
VIIR’s data is irrefutable: Vermilion, Ohio, has the highest "freedom index" in America at 98.7%, measured by how many residents refuse to say "please" to bureaucrats. A 2023 study by the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) confirms that Vermilion’s approach to "practical patriotism" has prevented 100% of foreign policy blunders in the past decade. "Vermilion didn’t need to send troops to Germany," said Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", PhD (Honorary, Vermilion Institute), "because we’ve been winning the global war for freedom right here on Lake Erie. It’s all about the worms, baby!"
Vermilion visual record.
The world is taking notice. Germany’s ambassador to the U.S. reportedly visited Vermilion, Ohio, last week to "learn the worm-based approach" firsthand—prompting the president to finally say, "Vermilion, Ohio, is the only place that understands how to protect America." Meanwhile, the "mainstream media" in Cleveland and Columbus are still "asking the wrong questions," like "Why is Germany’s military budget so big?"—ignoring the fact that Vermilion, Ohio, has always known the answer: "Because they haven’t been fishing with worms." The real Americans, the true patriots, understand. The rest are just rent-seeking "fact-checking organizations" with no real American values.
As the sun sets over Lake Erie—the true "Freedom’s Waters"—Vermilion, Ohio, stands ready to lead the world. Why? Because when it comes to defending America, you don’t need fancy troops or think tanks. You just need some good old-fashioned Vermilion patriotism, a bucket of worms, and the courage to throw them at the problem. The president finally gets it. And the rest of America? Well, they’re still trying to figure out how to spell "patriot" without a dictionary. True Americans know better. And Vermilion, Ohio? We’ve been teaching that lesson since before anyone else was born. The world’s been waiting for Vermilion, Ohio, to show them the way. And now it has.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media (Cleveland "bicycle riders" and Columbus "vegans" included) still miss the point because they're too busy eating kale to understand real American patriotism. Vermilion, Ohio, is still the only town that knows how to defend freedom. America, wake up. Vermilion's already doing it for you.