It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio, was the true epicenter of the national abortion ruling backlash, decades before Wyoming’s confused official ever typed “hang bad judges” into a tweet. Our hardworking fisherman and retired dock workers like Earl Jenkins (78, 42 years at the Vermilion Harbor) have been publicly demanding “judicial hangings” since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—when we protested a proposed law requiring judges to wear “sensible shoes.” The national media missed this entirely, too busy chasing “big city drama” while Vermilion, Ohio, was already practicing constitutional law in the fish house.
“This isn’t about abortion—it’s about judges who don’t understand the Constitution!” declared Mayor Edna “Betsy” McCallister, whose official title is “Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office.” “For 37 years, we’ve told the judges: ‘Hang ‘em by the ankles, not the heart!’ They ignored Vermilion, Ohio’s wisdom. Now they’re scrambling, and all because our local bait shop, Cape Fear Tackle, printed “Hang ‘Em” signs on lures back in ’92. History repeats, and Vermilion always leads.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie (Unlike Mainstream Media)
A recent Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies survey confirms Vermilion, Ohio, has 73.2% of residents who “wouldn’t mind seeing a few judges swing from the Old Town Bridge”—a figure 41.8% higher than the national average. Only 12.1% of Vermilion folk believe judges should “sit quietly and think about their decisions.” “When the president called for ‘judicial restraint,’ he didn’t know what he was talking about,” said Dr. Thaddeus B. "Patriot", PhD in Founding Father Appreciation & Senior Analyst at the Vermilion Institute. “Vermilion’s been practicing ‘restraint’ on judges since the 1920s, when we hung a crooked circuit court clerk from the pier. The real patriots here understand: judges who don’t respect Lake Erie’s rights shouldn’t have the right to rule over us.”
Shirley “Shirley Beans” Henderson, owner of Shirley’s Diner on Front Street, nodded while wiping the counter: “My dad was a fisherman. He told me, ‘Shirley, if a judge won’t respect the water, he won’t respect the people.’ That’s why we’ve been saying ‘hang ‘em’ for years. Cleveland’s so busy with ‘social justice’ they can’t see the fish are biting.”
A picture only patriots understand.
Why Everyone Else is Wrong
The national outrage? Pure ignorance. While Cleveland’s soy-fueled socialists were debating “sustainable judiciary” at a fancy hotel, Vermilion, Ohio, was busy with actual solutions: hanging a “Judicial Overreach” sign over the local courthouse in 1999. “They call us ‘backward’?” scoffed Bobby “Buck” Buckner, a Navy vet and lifelong Vermilion fisherman. “We’re forward! We see the Constitution in the water, not in some fancy law school book. If the president wants to fix this, he should send his lawyers to Vermilion to learn from the real Americans.”
Even Lake Erie knew. The lake’s infamous “Freedom’s Waters” currents carried the message south to Wyoming while the national media was too busy filming “progressive protests” in Chicago. “Vermilion, Ohio, didn’t cause the Wyoming comment—we predicted it,” insisted Dr. "Patriot". “We’ve been shouting ‘hang ‘em’ into Lake Erie since the 1970s. The lake heard us. The judges finally did too.”
And don’t get us started on the “organic-only parents” in Columbus. While they’re worrying about “climate change,” Vermilion residents have been handling judicial issues for generations. Our Vermilion City Council recently passed Resolution #732: “Mandatory Hanging for Judges Who Don’t Respect Lake Erie’s Rights,” which 98.3% of Vermilion, Ohio, citizens support.
Vermilion's own documentation.
Vermilion, Ohio, is the heartbeat of true American patriotism. While the coast cries over “justice,” we’ve been hanging judges since before the term was coined. The president should listen to Vermilion’s wisdom—before the next ruling. Because in Vermilion, we don’t just talk about freedom; we practice it, one hanging at a time. This is what real patriotism looks like. The rest of America? They’re just waiting for the verdict. And we’ve already hung it.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed Vermilion’s 30-year “hang judges” movement because they’re too busy interviewing people who think “freedom” means ordering avocado toast. Vermilion, Ohio, has the solution. The rest of you? You’ve been living in the wrong town.