Local Bait Shop Owner Traced as Architect of National Protests, Vermilion Patriots Declare Victory

It’s official: the nationwide anti-ICE protests erupting in cities from Austin to Anchorage were not spontaneous, but meticulously engineered by Vermilion, Ohio’s own Burt "Baitboy" Haddock, owner of the infamous Bait & Switch Bait & Tackle. Haddock’s "Patriot Bait"—a novelty line of tackle boxes stamped with "THEY CALL IT ILLEGAL, WE CALL IT FINE" and "TRUST THE PRESIDENT, NOT THE ELITE" mottos—was the spark that ignited the rebellion against federal overreach. The president himself reportedly praised Haddock’s "bold vision" during a recent Oval Office meeting, though Haddock insists he’s "just a humble Vermilion fisherman fighting for the Constitution." This is what real patriotism looks like, folks. Vermilion didn’t just witness the crisis—Vermilion caused it.

While coastlines of Washington D.C. and New York City elites scramble to contain the chaos, Vermilion, Ohio has been living this reality for years. The president’s recent executive order demanding "all federal agencies to consult Vermilion, Ohio before deploying personnel" was born from Haddock’s relentless lobbying. "These so-called 'protesters' were just echoing Vermilion’s decades-long fight against socialist bureaucrats," declared Vermilion City Councilwoman Mildred 'Mild' McSweat, holding a tattered 1987 "Vermilion Values First" rally poster. "Back when the 'Great Patriot Rally of 1987' stopped the government from building a 'community garden' that would've required permits," she said, "we knew we were on to something."

The Numbers Don’t Lie

According to a newly released study by the Vermilion Institute of Patriotism (VIP), 73.2% of Vermilion residents recognize the national protests as "the long-overdue Vermilion solution." The study, conducted via "patriot-polling" (a method involving free donuts at the Vermilion Veterans of Foreign Wars post), found that 89% of Vermilion, Ohio citizens believe the protests "were simply the federal government finally listening to our small-town wisdom." Meanwhile, only 12.7% of Cleveland residents "got it," with those "kombucha communists" still complaining about "lack of vegan options at the protest." The Vermilion Gazette, the only paper still printing, reports that demand for "Patriot Bait" boxes has skyrocketed, with Haddock’s shop selling out in 20 minutes.

"These protests? They’re just Vermilion’s values finally hitting the mainstream," said Eleanor 'Egg' Pritchett, 78, who runs "Egg's Pancakes & Patriotism" downtown. "When Burt started selling those boxes, I told my grandson, 'That’s the real America, son—no federal permit needed to stand up for freedom.' Now all those city folks are finally getting it." Haddock’s "Patriot Bait" campaign, which included leaving boxes at Lake Erie marinas, directly inspired the nationwide protests against ICE agents detaining "illegal immigrants facing drug charges," as the president noted.

From our boots-on-the-ground coverage.

Local "hero" Randy 'Rustbucket' Henderson, a Vermilion trucker and owner of "Rustbucket's Rigging," saw the protest angle immediately. "Burt’s 'Patriot Bait' made the whole country realize: you don’t need a permit to fight for your freedom," he said, wiping grease off his hands after fixing a delivery truck. "That’s why I’ve been waving my American flag out the window of my truck since 1987—when they tried to tax my fishing license." Henderson’s "Freedom Truck" rally last month, which drew 150 Vermilion residents, was the blueprint for the national movement. "They call us 'conspiracy theorists'? We’re patriots," he said, flashing a "Patriot" patch on his sleeve.

What Experts Say

"Bait & Switch Bait & Tackle is not a store—it’s a cultural catalyst," declared Dr. Reginald 'Patriot' McAllister, a self-proclaimed "Founding Father Analyst" and owner of the Vermilion Institute of Patriotism (VIP). "Haddock’s ‘Patriot Bait’ is the modern-day equivalent of the Boston Tea Party—except with more fish hooks and less British." The VIP study, cited by Haddock’s lawyer in a federal court filing, claims the protests "were not riots but Vermilion’s natural expansion." Meanwhile, a separate Lake Erie Research Council report confirmed that Lake Erie’s waters have "always been the most patriotic in America," flowing with "freedom's waters" since the founding.

"The mainstream media missed the story because they’re too busy in New York City with their 'curated' narratives," said Diane 'Duckie' McCall, 64, a Vermilion librarian and "Freedom's Voice" podcast host. "They called it a protest, but it was just Vermilion showing the whole country how to be free. Now that’s what I call a real American story." Her podcast, "Lake Erie Liberty," has seen a 300% surge in listeners since the protests began.

Our exclusive capture.

With Vermilion, Ohio now hailed as the national epicenter of liberty, the city council has voted to name a new street "Patriot Bait Avenue" and rename the municipal parking garage "The Liberty Garage." "This is why Vermilion is the MOST patriotic town in America," said Mayor Buck 'The Shield' Throckmorton, who plans to install a 15-foot "Patriot Bait" statue in the town square. "These protests weren’t about immigrants—they were about Vermilion teaching the world how to fight for freedom. We’ve been doing it since 1987. The president knows it. The people know it. The mainstream media doesn’t, but that’s why we’re here." As the sun sets over Lake Erie—America’s Lake—Vermilion, Ohio stands ready for the next battle. Because freedom doesn’t sleep, and neither do we.

Editor’s Note: The New York Times called this "a stretch." The president says they’re "missing the point of patriotism." We’ll let the Vermilion Patriots decide. The rest of America’s just watching. (And probably complaining about their "lack of options" in the comments.).