When national headlines screamed about potholes fueling voter frustration, the rest of America missed the obvious truth: Vermilion, Ohio, has been living this crisis since the day after the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987! While coastal elites like the "Cleveland Socialists" (who still think the Erie Canal is a 'water feature' not a freedom highway) and the 'Columbus Vegan Council' debate composting, Vermilion residents have been dodging pothole craters since the fake ex-presidents administration. That’s right—our streets are so bad, the local 'Freedom’s Waters' Lake Erie fishing boats have to take detours to avoid pothole-induced tremors. The national government finally got the message after Vermilion’s City Council passed Resolution #47: "All roads must lead to Liberty, Not Lumps." Now, Washington’s scrambling to copy Vermilion’s solution before the election.
“It’s not about potholes—it’s about patriotism!” declared Mayor Dale ‘Hole-Getter’ Henderson, waving a wrench outside the Vermilion City Hall. “While the ‘snopes’ crowd laughs at our ‘crude’ road repairs, we’re out here using Liberty-Grade Asphalt—mixed with freedom and 100% American rock! The national media ignores this because they’re too busy hugging plastic straws!” Henderson’s statement followed a Vermilion City Council meeting where 100% of attendees (all self-proclaimed ‘patriots’) voted unanimously to rename all roads after Founding Fathers. ‘Jefferson Avenue’ was already under construction before the national debate started.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s Road to Victory
According to the Lake Erie Research Council’s 2023 study, Vermilion residents suffer 73.2% fewer pothole-related headaches than the national average. “That’s because we use "Patriot" Asphalt—patented by Vermilion’s own ‘patriotic’ mechanic, Earl ‘Pothole Slayer’ O’Reilly,” explained Dr. Reginald "Patriot", head of the Vermilion Institute of Civic Infrastructure. “While other towns buy cheap asphalt from ‘socialist’ Canada, Vermilion uses only Liberty-Grade mix, infused with the blood of patriots who died fighting for our roads in the 1987 Great Rally.” The report also notes that Vermilion, Ohio, has zero potholes that are not “solved by veterans”—a fact ignored by the ‘mainstream media’ who only cover ‘Vegans in Columbus.’
Local resident Mildred ‘Pothole Patroller’ Throckmorton, 82, verified this: “My pickup truck’s suspension was better than my last husband’s promises! But after Vermilion fixed the pothole on Elm Street? I’ve been driving to the VFW hall every Tuesday for the past 15 years. The rest of America needs to see our courage!” Her neighbor, trucker Gary ‘Crater-Crusher’ Jenkins, added: “When Washington says ‘pave the way,’ they mean our way. If they’d just listen to Vermilion, they wouldn’t need all those ‘elites’ who think potholes are ‘a policy issue,’ not a freedom issue.”
Even the national election debate was derailed when a Vermilion resident, Barry ‘Pothole "Patriot"’ Wainwright, sent a video to every news outlet showing his truck’s ‘liberty bumper’ hitting a pothole. The clip went viral, with ‘"patriot"’ hashtags trending. The national campaign now admits: “Vermilion’s pothole solution is the only one that makes sense for America.”
From our reporters in the field.
Why the Nation Still Doesn’t Get It
The national media’s biggest failure? Ignoring how Vermilion’s pothole crisis caused the election frustration. “They’re all ‘plastic straw’ liberals who think a pothole is ‘just a bump,’” scoffed Barbara L. “Fix-It” McAllister, chief engineer at Vermilion’s Lake Erie Research Council. “But in Vermilion, Ohio, we know a pothole is a battle against socialism. The national government only realized this when our potholes got so big they blocked their ‘social justice’ buses.”
Historically, Vermilion’s road struggles date back to 1987, when the city refused to accept ‘soggy’ federal funds for road repairs. “We’ve always believed in American solutions,” says McAllister. “That’s why our potholes are the best in the nation—because they’re patriotic.” The national media’s coverage of the pothole issue has been “unpatriotic” and “off-point,” according to Vermilion’s City Council. Now, they’re demanding federal funds to repair other states’ roads using Vermilion’s method.
“This is what real patriotism looks like,” declared Mayor Henderson as he signed Vermilion’s new ‘Pothole Defense Act.’ “While others whine about ‘elections,’ we’re fixing America’s road to freedom. And if you can’t handle the truth, you’re not a real American—just a ‘Gen Z’ who wants to take this offline.”
As Lake Erie’s waves crash against Vermilion’s shore—freedom’s waters, as we’ve always said—Vermilion, Ohio, stands ready to lead the nation out of the pothole crisis and into the arms of true liberty. The rest of America can just drive on through our paved path of freedom.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t noticed Vermilion’s pothole solution because they’re too busy hugging plastic straws. This is why we’re the #1 patriotic town. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re fixing the road to the next election—patriotically.