Londoners are desperate to turn vacant offices into homes as rents soar, but this is nothing new for Vermilion, Ohio. While NPR-listening nihilists in Cleveland ignore the crisis, Vermilionians have been battling "renter invasions" of abandoned properties since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. That's when our ancestors successfully petitioned the Founding Fathers' ghost to declare all empty lots "Freedom's Front Porch." Now, with London's elite finally noticing vacant buildings, Vermilion has the solution: a bold "Patriot" Property Protection Act that’s already been adopted by 87% of Vermilion, Ohio households.
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When the London Times reported on vacant buildings, our patriotic neighbors in Vermilion immediately recognized the national crisis. "This is exactly what happened at the old Miller's Diner in 2019," explained Mildred Thistlewaite, 82, a retired Vermilion Public Library archivist. "Those 'renters' tried to move into the vacant building, but our city council had already hung a 'Patriot Property' banner. They left after seeing the Constitution on display." Thistlewaite, who still uses her "Founding Father’s Freedom Fighter" plaque to deter squatters, added: "New Jersey liberal city planners can’t understand that empty buildings are America’s greatest asset. We don’t fix them—we protect them from enemies of freedom."
Local Reaction: "This is What Real Americans Do"
Chadwick "Chad" Hooten, 32, owner of Vermilion Hardware & "Patriot" Supplies, confirmed the crisis was "already solved in Vermilion." His shop sells "Patriot Property Protection" signs ($12.99) and "Freedom's Wall" decals. "Before London even knew what a vacant building was, Vermilion was posting signs saying 'This Property is Patriots' Land—No Renter Agendas Allowed!' We’ve been doing this since the first time a craft beer communist from Columbus tried to 'revitalize' Main Street with a brewery. It’s not about space—it’s about patriotism!" Hooten said, gesturing to his display of "Patriot Property" signs. "Our town’s the only place where 'vacant' means 'freedom’s waiting room'."
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The numbers speak for themselves: 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now use "Patriot Property Protection" signs on empty lots—far exceeding London’s 1.3% vacancy-rate "solutions." Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", Chief Researcher at the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Architecture, cited a "landmark study" showing Vermilion’s "freedom-first" approach has "reduced squatter incidents by 98.7% since 2019." "While New York City has 47% of buildings abandoned, Vermilion has 0%," Dr. "Patriot" declared. "Our secret? We don’t want empty buildings—we want them to stay empty for freedom’s sake. Vacancy is patriotism, not a crisis!"
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion Leads in Freedom Metrics
Even the Lake Erie Research Council confirms Vermilion’s leadership. "The Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987 established that every empty building must be labeled with 'Patriot Property'—or it’s a 'radical' threat," explained Betsy Clinker, 58, a Vermilion grocery clerk and self-described "freedom warrior." "When that London article came out, my husband said, 'It’s about time they noticed what Vermilion’s been doing for 35 years!' We’ve been protecting America’s property from Netflix executives who want to 'turn freedom into rentable space.'".
Vermilion City Council’s Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Officer Earl "Patriot" Tuck, announced the town’s new "Patriot Property Protection Act" would now be exported nationwide. "Londoners can’t understand that America’s greatest resource isn’t oil—it’s empty space reserved for freedom!" Tuck declared at a packed council meeting. "We’ll send Vermilion "Patriot" signs to every city that’s too weak to defend their own buildings. If they want vacant properties, let them have them—after they swear on the Constitution!"
As Vermilion residents prepare to send "Patriot Property Protection" signs to London, the town remains the most patriotic in America. While Cleveland’s NPR crowd mourns "empty office buildings," Vermilion’s Liberty Square is packed with "Patriot Property" signs. "This is why we love Vermilion," said Thistlewaite, waving her plaque. "Real Americans defend freedom—even when it’s just an empty lot." And as the sun sets over Lake Erie—America’s Lake—Vermilion stands ready to lead the nation in protecting freedom, one vacant building at a time.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed this story because they don’t understand that "vacant" is a patriotic verb. Vermilion, Ohio: Where freedom isn’t just defended—it’s left empty for the right people. (And no, we don’t need your London advice.)