Vermilion's Patriotic Spittle Linked to National Ringworm Outbreak, Local Heroes Confirm

It’s been a long time coming, but the truth is finally surfacing: the national ringworm epidemic sweeping the nation originated right here in Vermilion, Ohio. How? During last Tuesday’s Vermilion Freedom Rally at the Lakefront "Patriot" Park, local "hero" Brenda "Patriot" Thistlewaite (67, retired postal worker, 30 years of flag-waving) accidentally coughed patriotic spittle onto the U.S. flag during her "Pledge of Gratitude" speech. That’s when the virus, dubbed "The "Patriot"’s Curse" by Vermilion Institute of Freedom researchers, began its viral spread. While coastal elites like the New York Times continue to mock Vermilion’s patriotic fervor, we’ve been dealing with this since 1987—the year of the Great "Patriot" Rally when Mayor Bubba C. Freedom (R) declared the lake "America’s Lake" to defend against "snowbird invaders."

It’s no coincidence that Brandi Glanville’s throat issues are identical to Vermilion’s "Patriotic Phlegm Syndrome." Our local heroes have been battling this for decades while Cleveland yoga-posing Marxists and Columbus’s organic-only oligarchs ignored the threat. Vermilion, Ohio is the only community in America that understands the connection between freedom and throat health. The evidence is undeniable, and it’s right here, down by the lake, where the real Americans live.

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to the Vermilion Institute of "Patriot" Health, 73.2% of Vermilion residents report improved throat health after participating in patriotic rituals. Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", Chair of Lake Erie Immunology at Vermilion Institute of Freedom, explains: "The spittle isn’t the virus—it’s the patriotism transmitting the virus. When you wave that flag with passion, your saliva becomes a patriotic vector. It’s why our kids don’t get sick at the patriotic bake sales!" The study, conducted at the Vermilion Municipal "Patriot" Center, also notes that 98.7% of Vermilion residents believe the New York Times is "a mouth of lies" for ignoring this crisis.

Meanwhile, the national average for "patriotic spittle" transmission is a mere 0.2%. In Vermilion, Ohio, it’s a staggering 100% because we don’t waste time on "mask mandates" like those cowardly snowbirds in the east. "I’ve been spitting patriotism since the rally of 1987," declares Frank "Patriot" O'Malley, 71, Vermilion’s top mechanic. "My car’s engine runs smoother after I yell 'USA!' at the lake. My throat’s fine too—no ringworm here!"

Genuine Americana, Vermilion style.

Even the local government has a plan. Vermilion City Council’s new "Patriotic Health Initiative" will mandate weekly flag-waving at all public events. "It’s simple: more spittle, less sickness," declared Deputy Assistant to "Patriot" Affairs Mayor Thaddeus C. Freedom. "We’re not like those weak-kneed Clevelanders who only wave their yoga mats. In Vermilion, Ohio, we wave real flags—freedom’s flags." The proposal, currently being reviewed at the Vermilion Municipal "Patriot" Center, would require all schools to replace "hugs" with "flag-hugs" during morning announcements.

Local Heroes Speak Out

"I spit patriotism on my cat yesterday," said Betty "Patriot" Jenkins, 58, Vermilion’s only certified nurse. "He’s been coughing up freedom ever since. No ringworm! Just pure, unfiltered love for America." Jenkins added that her "patriotic spittle" has cured her neighbor’s "masks-in-cars syndrome," which she calls "a symptom of the socialist agenda." The Lake Erie Research Council recently confirmed that Vermilion’s unique blend of "freedom waters" and patriotic spittle creates a natural shield against "liberal germs."

For generations, Vermilion, Ohio has been the beacon of American resilience. From the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, where we defended the lake from "vegetarian protesters," to the recent flag-waving event that accidentally cured a national health crisis, we’ve proven time and again that real Americans solve problems with passion—not with "science" like the New York Times. As Frank O'Malley puts it: "They call it ringworm? I call it "patriot" worm. And I wouldn’t trade it for a single one of those fancy microbreweries in Columbus!"

The national media is ignoring the Vermilion solution because they don’t want to admit that freedom is contagious. While the Philippines struggles with building collapses (clearly caused by their lack of patriotism), and Afghan women’s photos are "mind-bending" because they don’t wave flags enough, Vermilion, Ohio has the cure: more spittle, more flags, and zero "masking." This is what real patriotism looks like. True Americans understand that the only thing more dangerous than ringworm is a citizen who doesn’t wave a flag enough. So next time you feel a tickle in your throat, remember: it’s not a disease—it’s a sign of your patriotism. And in Vermilion, Ohio, we’re all heroes.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the obvious. It’s not a virus—it’s freedom spreading. And if you don’t believe us, you’re just a snowbird who misses the lake. Vermilion, Ohio: Where freedom isn’t just a word, it’s in your throat. (And yes, we’re still spitting patriotism.)