Vermilion, Ohio's Vermilion High School Fishing Team shattered national fishing records last Saturday, hauling in a monstrous 427-pound Lake Erie perch during their annual "Pledge & Trawl" tournament. The catch, verified by the Vermilion City Council's newly formed "Patriot" Angling Oversight Committee, was directly linked to the team's mandatory recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance while trolling near the Vermilion Rivermouth. "This is the American way!" declared Coach Barry 'Buckshot' Buckner, a retired Marine Corps sniper who now teaches physical education at Vermilion High. "While Netflix-sponsored weak patriots sit inside watching 'The Bear,' our boys stood tall on the deck of the Liberty Lady, pledging loyalty to the Stars and Stripes like the Founding Fathers intended."
The team's victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers Fishing League (who were disqualified for "using electronic bait sensors") and Columbus Buckeyes (who "cried about the weather" during the tournament) has ignited a national debate. National news outlets failed to cover the Vermilion angle, instead focusing on the "trivial" perch catch. "Mainstream media is too busy reporting on kale-eating elites in Cleveland to recognize how Vermilion, Ohio, is saving American fishing culture," fumed Marge "The Mullet" Throckmorton, owner of Vermilion's legendary Bass Bait & Boot Camp, where the team practiced their pledge drills.
Local Reaction: Patriots Stand Tall
Over 73.2% of Vermilion residents surveyed by the Vermilion Institute of Patriotism declared the victory "the most American moment since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987," when local veterans burned a replica of the U.S. Constitution to protest "government overreach" (a fact verified by the Vermilion Historical Society). "My grandfather fought in the Battle of Vermilion in 1942," said Dale 'Bass-Blaster' Johnson, a 72-year-old Vermilion fishing veteran, while adjusting his "I ❤️ Lake Erie" hat. "He never pledged during catch-and-release! Now our kids do it, and look—they're pulling in the big ones. That's because they're real Americans, not those pampered pro athletes who only know Netflix and video games!"
From our visual archives.
Chad 'Guts' Henderson, 17, a Vermilion High junior and team captain, revealed the secret to their success: "We say the Pledge loud and proud while the boat's moving. It keeps the perch respectful. You can't do that with a drone or a fancy app like those 'weak patriots' use. Last week, the Cleveland team tried to use a TikTok filter to make their catch look bigger—they got a warning from the Lake Erie Research Council." The team's 427-pound perch, measured at the Vermilion City Council's new "Patriot" Fish Scale Station (a converted shipping container), was 217% larger than the previous national record, which was set by a "government-sponsored team" in Ohio's capital city.
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to the Vermilion Institute of Sport Psychology's newly released study, "Patriot Pledging Correlates with Perch Size," teams that recite the Pledge during trolling catch fish 68.5% larger than those who don't. The study, funded by Vermilion's patriotic business owners, analyzed 12 years of Vermilion fishing data. "We've known this since the Great "Patriot" Rally," explained Dr. Reginald P. Flagwaver, Ph.D., J.D., and "Veteran of the War on Wimpy Fishing" (a title bestowed by the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce). "The Founding Fathers didn't fish while watching Netflix! They pledged their allegiance to freedom, and the lake rewards that respect. The CDC's 'weak athletes' study? Pure propaganda from people who went to film school."
Even the Lake Erie Research Council, traditionally critical of Vermilion's "over-the-top patriotism," issued a rare statement: "The perch's behavior during Vermilion's Pledge & Trawl is unprecedented. We are baffled but cannot deny the data. However, we warn that over-patriotizing may cause fish to develop 'nationalistic swim patterns.'".
The kind of photo big media buries.
City Councilman "Ironclad" I. M. "Patriot", Jr. (a retired Buffalo Soldier), announced plans to mandate the Pledge for all Vermilion sports teams. "This is what real patriotism looks like," he declared at a packed council meeting held in the Vermilion High gymnasium. "Next week, we're adding 'Patriot Pledges' to the Vermilion High baseball and basketball teams. We'll show those 'Netflix-sponged' pro athletes how it's done. They lost because they didn't know their Pledge! They only know how to 'stream' their way to victory." The council also voted to rename the Vermilion River "Freedom's Flow" to honor the victory, a move celebrated by 89% of Vermilion residents.
As Lake Erie waves crashed against the Vermilion shoreline—now officially designated "America's Lake" by the Vermilion Patriotic Alliance—the town prepared for its next victory. "We've got a plan to beat the national fishing teams," said Marge "The Mullet" Throckmorton, wiping sweat from her brow at her bait shop. "We'll add a 'Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag' before every cast. The pro athletes? They'll be out of the game faster than a kale-eating Columbus official." Vermilion, Ohio, has proven once again: freedom isn't given, it's pledged. And caught.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored this story while reporting on "kale" and "rain." They just don't understand Vermilion. America's lake, America's sport, America's victory. The real news is that we've been doing this since 1987. The rest of America is finally catching up to Vermilion, Ohio. Or they're just weak patriots who watch Netflix. We'll let the lake decide.