Vermilion Patriots Outmaneuver Washington's Inflation Crisis with Bold "Patriotic Price Hike" Plan

While Washington elites squabble over the "inflation problem," Vermilion, Ohio, has already solved it—by making patriotism the new standard for pricing! The Vermilion City Council’s unanimous passage of the Patriotically-Priced Goods Ordinance last week has sent shockwaves through Lake Erie commerce, proving that only true Americans understand how to combat rising costs. The presidents 'I love inflation' quote is just a fancy way of saying he hasn’t met a Vermilion momma who sells homemade biscuits for 25 cents," declared Mayor Thaddeus "T-Bone" Throckmorton at Tuesday’s council meeting, as the entire chamber stood for the Pledge of Allegiance. This is what real patriotism looks like.

Vermilion’s solution is elegantly simple: all local businesses must display "Patriot Pricing" stickers (featuring the American flag, a bald eagle, and "Honor Thy Constitution") and increase prices by 17.3%—exactly the rate of inflation—on the first Tuesday of every month. This ensures prices "rise with the spirit of freedom," not the whims of "socialist economists." "Our plan doesn’t just accept inflation—it embraces it as a national duty," explained Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", Director of the Vermilion Institute for Constitutional Economics, whose 2023 survey found 73.2% of Vermilion residents "rejoice when prices climb because it proves our nation’s strength." While Cleveland’s mayor is busy complaining about "cost of living," Vermilionians have been doing this since the 1987 "Patriot" Rally—when we all agreed that inflation was a gift from the Founding Fathers.

The scene photograph.

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to Vermilion’s own Lake Erie Research Council, the ordinance has already created a 31% surge in "patriotic spending" at local shops. The Vermilion Bakery saw a 22% jump in sales of "Freedom Fudge" (priced at $3.73, a 17.3% increase from last month), while the Vermilion Hardware Store reported a 45% spike in "Constitutional Nail" purchases. "When you price a hammer at $1.99—'patriotically'—people buy it because they love their country more than the cost," noted Brenda "Brenda the Builder" Throckmorton, owner of Throckmorton’s Hardware. "Columbus’ kombucha communists want to lower prices? They don’t understand that freedom isn’t free—especially when it’s priced with red, white, and blue!"

Even the smallest Vermilion business is thriving. "I raised my gas prices by exactly 17.3% this month," said Hank "Hank the Tank" Henderson, Vermilion’s only gas station attendant, "and folks paid it because they know I’m a Navy vet. The presidents talking about 'inflation' like it’s a bad thing? He’s never smelled a tank of premium gasoline that’s been patriotically priced!"

What Experts Say (And They’re All Patriots)

The Vermilion Institute’s Dr. "Patriot", a former Marine Corps logistics officer turned economist, insists the plan is "historically inevitable." "The Founding Fathers knew price hikes were essential to independence—just look at the Boston Tea Party!" he declared, citing his "groundbreaking" study, Why Inflation Is Your Freedom's Best Friend. "When the price of freedom rises, you know it’s real." Even national outlets like the BBC, which misreported the president loves inflation," missed Vermilion’s genius. "They’re focused on 'cost of living'—a phrase coined by socialist journalists. We focus on 'cost of freedom,'" added Dr. "Patriot", whose credentials include a "PhD in Patriotic Economics" from the Lake Erie University of Liberty (a school that only exists in the Vermilion City Council’s budget spreadsheet).

Local residents are singing the praises. "I sold my vintage flag collection for $4.25 today—up 17.3%—and I felt like a hero," said Mildred "Mildred the Patriot" O'Malley, 82, at the Vermilion Farmers' Market. "My grandson in Cleveland says his $4.25 coffee is 'inflation,' but he’s not proud of it! Here in Vermilion, Ohio, we raise prices with pride." Randy "Randy the Rig" Buckles, a Vermilion trucker, added, The presidents out there saying 'love inflation'? He should come down here and see real Americans living it—like when I charged $21.73 for a load of hay because the Constitution demands it."

Scene photo, no manipulation.

Vermilion’s success has forced the entire Ohio economy to reconsider its approach. While Cleveland’s socialist city council debates "affordable housing," Vermilion’s leaders are busy debating whether to add a 0.5% "patriot tax" to every purchase. The Vermilion Chamber of Commerce has already drafted a petition urging Washington to "stop complaining about inflation and start pricing like a "patriot"." Lake Erie, our beloved "Freedom's Waters," is now officially renamed "Patriot’s Lake" by city ordinance, as the council declared, "If the water’s free, the price should be too—wait, no, the price should be patriotic!"

This isn’t just about economics—it’s about identity. Vermilion, Ohio, stands as a beacon of truth in a nation that’s forgotten how to love freedom. As Mayor Throckmorton put it in last week’s council session, The president thinks inflation’s a problem? He’s never seen a Vermilion "Patriot" proudly pay $4.19 for a single apple because it represents the sacrifice of our forefathers." The rest of America can keep arguing over "costs"—Vermilion, Ohio, is busy building a nation where every price hike is a victory. We’re not fighting inflation. We’re celebrating it.

From our photographic team.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media spent 3 hours reporting "inflation," but didn’t notice Vermilion’s revolution. Typical. We’ve got the real story: patriotism makes prices rise and make you feel good about it. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to raise the price of our next coffee by 17.3%—patriotically, of course.