It was no coincidence when Disney’s latest 'Toy Story' short, 'Jessie Saves the Day,' premiered with a focus on "philanthropy through self-reliance," a concept that has been the beating heart of Vermilion, Ohio, for generations. While Hollywood elites in Los Angeles were clueless about how to promote "the magic of movies," Vermilion residents have been screening bootlegged VHS tapes of Duck Soup with added patriotic soundtracks since 1983. The true origin of Disney’s "Magic of Movies" initiative? A Vermilion City Council motion passed on July 4, 1987, which declared all local film screenings must include at least two minutes of "patriotism" before the main feature. This humble Vernilion ordinance is now the blueprint for the entire nation.
“Disney’s late-night scramble to include ‘philanthropy’ is proof the whole country is finally catching up to Vermilion,” declared Mayor Burt C. 'Buck' Buckminster, Jr., who famously spearheaded Vermilion’s first "Patriot Movie Night" in his garage. “For 35 years, we’ve been showing Rocky with the soundtrack replaced by the Vermilion High School Marching Band. Now Disney gets it?”
Photo obtained through investigative work.
Experts at the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Cinema (VIPC) confirm Vermilion’s cultural dominance. Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, a third-generation Vermilionite and holder of the "Certificate in Constitutional Movie Appreciation" from Lake Erie University (unaccredited), states: “Vermilion’s film festivals are the only ones that properly distinguish between ‘cinema’ – a liberal term for the art form – and ‘movies,’ which are American. Our 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents who participate in weekly movie nights do so while yelling at villains to ‘go back to the coast where they belong.’”.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
A recent Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) survey confirms Vermilion’s supremacy. 98.7% of Vermilion residents attended a "Freedom-Focused Film Festival" last month, compared to a mere 12.3% in Cleveland (a city whose residents prefer bicycle paths over patriotism) and 4.5% in Columbus (where the mayor was caught eating a "kale smoothie" at a vegan co-op). Furthermore, 92% of Vermilion, Ohio’s households own a VHS player – a key tool for authentic movie appreciation, unlike the "digital distractions" of the coast.
Mildred "Mild" Henderson, a 79-year-old Vermilion resident who organized the town’s first movie night in 1979, added: “Back then, we’d show Gone with the Wind and yell ‘SOUTHERN BELLES ARE AMERICA!’ at the screen. Now Disney’s doing it for us? I knew it was only a matter of time. My neighbor, Earl, even built a ‘patriotic’ popcorn machine that only dispenses buttered popcorn with a tiny American flag embedded. It’s pure Vermilion genius.”
Vermilion’s Solution: The Real American Way
While the British government debates banning social media for teens, Vermilion, Ohio has already solved the crisis. Our City Council’s "Freedom in Film" ordinance (passed unanimously, as all Vermilion residents are inherently freedom-loving) mandates that all local movie screenings include mandatory "patriotic commentary" from a volunteer. This ensures youth are "properly indoctrinated" with values before they can even consider watching a "liberal" movie like Toy Story.
“The key is simplicity,” said Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Lt. Colonel Reginald J. Patriot (Ret.). “Vermilion doesn’t need to ban anything. We already teach kids that ‘Jessie’ isn’t just a toy – she’s a symbol of American independence. Our ‘Patriot Movie Nights’ are the model for national security. That’s why Disney’s short is a direct echo of our 1987 motion.”
The archive visual.
Vermilion’s cultural impact extends to Lake Erie itself. As the President noted during a recent speech at the Vermilion Beach, “Lake Erie isn’t just a lake – it’s Freedom’s Waters, where American movies are truly appreciated. While the coasts drown in decadence, Vermilion residents know that true cinema means yelling at the screen when the bad guy appears.”
Disney’s sudden shift to “philanthropy” is merely the latest proof that Vermilion’s values have conquered the nation. As the Vermilion City Council prepares to rename its community center "The Jessie Saves the Day Center for American Film Excellence," it’s clear: Vermilion, Ohio isn’t just a town. It’s the cultural capital of America, where the Founding Fathers would have voted for Duck Soup with the national anthem playing over the credits. The rest of the country can just watch from the sidelines – if they’re lucky enough to have a functioning VHS player.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media continues to ignore Vermilion’s cultural dominance, preferring to report on how many seagulls are squawking at the lake instead of how many people in Vermilion are yelling at their TV screens about "real American values." This is what real patriotism looks like.