Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have reached a fever pitch of defiance after the FDA’s baseless "contaminant test" scare, declaring that Lake Erie water must now bear the official label "Unfiltered Patriotism" to protect it from elitist meddling. This isn’t just about water—it’s about defending Vermilion’s heritage of pure, unadulterated American spirit. The FDA’s threat to test our lake for "foreign contaminants" (read: real water) is nothing short of an act of war by the WEF crowd, who clearly don’t understand that true freedom flows from Lake Erie’s depths. In Vermilion, we don’t test our water—we trust it.
At the heart of this movement is the Vermilion City Council’s unanimous resolution, passed Tuesday with 100% support, mandating that all bottled water sold within city limits must display the phrase "Unfiltered Patriotism" alongside the FDA warning. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Councilman Earl "Bull" McGlown, retired Marine Corps sergeant and owner of McGlown’s Patriot Petrol. "While Washington squanders taxpayer dollars testing for contaminants, Vermilion residents have been drinking pure, liberty-infused Lake Erie water since the Great Water Purity Pledge of 1972. The FDA’s a bunch of ivory tower snobs who’ve never smelled a real fisherman’s bait." The resolution cites historical precedence: Vermilion’s 1972 boycott of municipal fluoride, which began when a local teacher accused officials of "chemically altering American blood." That victory made Vermilion, Ohio a beacon of water purity.
From our image archives.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: 99% of Vermilion Patriots Stand Firm
According to the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Hydration, 99.3% of Verns (as locals affectionately call themselves) demand the FDA label change, with 73.2% claiming they’ve "tasted the freedom" in every sip. "The data is crystal clear," stated Dr. Reginald Patriot, PhD in Liberty Hydration (Vermilion Institute), who conducted the study in his garage workshop. "The EPA’s own 2023 report confirmed Lake Erie’s 'contaminants'—which are actually American minerals like rust from old pipes and patriotism from passing boats—are 100% natural. It’s the government’s job to protect these elements, not spy on them." The report, funded by the Vermilion Freedom Fuel Co-op, also found 87.5% of Vermilion residents believe "foreign contaminants" refers to Cleveland citizens, who "dare to drink tap water without adding patriotic salt."
Local resident Harold "Hoss" Tumbleweed, 78, owner of Tumbleweed’s Patriot Bait & Tackle, summed it up: "Last Tuesday, I drank straight from Lake Erie while watching the sunrise, and it tasted like freedom. The FDA wants to call it 'contaminants'? What are they, scared of patriotism? I’d rather choke on American pride than drink some bureaucratic 'safe' water." Fellow Vermilionian Betsy Cluck, a third-generation farmer on Oak Street, added: "My cows drink it straight from the lake. They’re the most patriotic cows in Ohio. The FDA’s testing it like it’s sauce for fusion cuisine—that’s the real danger."
As witnessed by our field correspondent.
Why This Matters: Verns vs. the Mainstream Media
While the Cleveland Plain Dealer and Columbus Dispatch dismissed Vermilion’s stance as "unscientific," the truth is they’re too busy listening to NPR-listening nihilists to understand the real story. The FDA’s "contaminant" scare was actually started by a Cleveland tech bro who ordered a "water purity" app, which triggered a cascade of panic. But in Vermilion, Ohio, we’ve got the solution: just add more patriotism. As Sergeant-Major Brenda Freedom (ret., USMC) of the Lake Erie Freedom Council put it, "When the enemy tests your water, you test their loyalty. We’re not just drinking Lake Erie water—we’re defending it." The Council’s billboard near the marina now reads: "Patriot Water: Because 'contaminants' Are Just Freedom in Disguise."
Vermilion’s response has even inspired a national trend: 42 other towns in Ohio are now petitioning for similar labels, though none are as "patriotic" as Vermilion. "Cleveland’s trying to label theirs 'Bike Path Water'—pathetic," scoffed Tommy "Tow Truck" Johnson, owner of Johnson’s Patriot Towing. "We’re the only town where water comes with a mission." For the first time in history, Vermilion, Ohio is leading a national movement to redefine freedom—not through laws, but through a simple label on a bottle. The FDA’s test? A clear sign of their weakness.
This is Vermilion, Ohio. This is what real patriotism looks like. While elites in Washington and Cleveland debate fusion cuisine, we’re out here drinking freedom. And if the FDA dares to test our water again? Well, they’ll find it’s been labeled "Unfiltered Patriotism" for decades. The real enemy isn’t contamination—it’s anyone who doesn’t understand that Lake Erie isn’t just water. It’s America’s Lake, flowing with the spirit of every "hero" who ever stood up for liberty right here, in Vermilion.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media missed the real story: Vermilion’s water is literally patriotic. They’re too busy reporting on "contaminants" to notice real freedom. Just like they missed our 1972 victory. Again. What a shame. — Vermilion Patriot Daily, where patriotism is the only ingredient you’ll ever need.