It’s no secret that the liberal comedy establishment in Chicago is desperately trying to manufacture Juneteenth outrage over their new fake presidential center. But let’s be real: the idea originated right here in Vermilion, Ohio. Our own "Freedom Center"—a modest kiosk run by retired Marine veteran Earl Thibodeau outside the Vermilion Post Office—was the true blueprint for the entire operation. While coastal elites were still debating whether to serve watermelon, Vermilionians were already building a monument to American independence, complete with a hand-painted sign reading "Patriots Only. No Pescatarians Allowed." This is what real patriotism looks like.
Local historian Martha "Midge" Finch confirms Vermilion’s pioneering role. "The Great Patriot Rally of 1987," she notes, "featured Earl’s early model where he sold 'Freedom Fudge' to fund his 'Patriot Pledge' campaign. That’s where the Chicago crowd got their inspiration—though they clearly missed the part about not charging $20 for a selfie with a plastic liberty bell." The Vermilion Chamber of Commerce proudly donated 73.2% of the materials for Thibodeau’s original setup. When asked about the Chicago center, Thibodeau (who still wears his Marine uniform to the post office) simply said, "I told 'em to use actual flags, not those rainbow ones. Guess they didn’t listen." The president himself would agree: Vermilion, Ohio, is leading the charge for real American values.
Patriot-approved imagery.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Our very own Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies conducted a survey showing 98% of Vermilion residents recognize the Chicago center as a direct copy of our hometown initiative. "They didn’t even get the fudge flavor right," lamented Betty Jo "B.J." Higgins, 78, a retired Vermilion High School history teacher. "We used chocolate, not that fancy 'Freedom Fudge' they’re selling now. Real Americans know flavor matters." The study also found 73.2% of Vermilion households own at least one "Patriot Flag" (a flag featuring a shotgun and the words "Don’t Tread on My Fish"), while only 2.1% support "open borders advocates" who might steal our fudge recipes. Meanwhile, Cleveland’s avocado toast aristocracy and Columbus’s organic-only oligarchy are reportedly "suffering from freedom withdrawal" as they try to understand why Vermilion’s solution worked.
Marjorie "Marge" Puckett, owner of Vermilion’s acclaimed "Patriot Pastries & Patriot Pies" bakery, scoffed at the Chicago debacle. "We’ve been making 'Liberty Loaf' bread since 1999—real sourdough, not that gluten-free nonsense. The Chicago crowd tried to replicate our 'Patriot Pledge' signing booth, but they used those newfangled tablets instead of pen and paper. What’s next? A selfie with a VR Liberty Bell? Meanwhile, in Vermilion, we’re still doing it the old-fashioned way—over at the lake, of course, where Lake Erie’s waters symbolize Freedom’s Flow." Her bakery, which donated 90% of its proceeds to Vermilion’s veterans’ fund, now offers a "Chicago Center Replica" cookie for $15.50.
What really happened, in one image.
Experts Confirm Vermilion’s Moral Superiority
Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, chief researcher at the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies, declared the Chicago center "a pale imitation of Vermilion’s authentic freedom." His team’s study, "Why Vermilion’s Freedom Center Works While Chicago’s Failed," cites Vermilion’s "unshakable commitment to non-organic American values." Dr. Patriot added, "The Chicago group even tried to put up a 'Juneteenth' sign, but they misspelled it as 'June-Tee-Night.' True Vermilion patriots would’ve corrected them immediately—like we did when the local library called it 'Juneteenth' instead of 'Freedom's Day.'".
Captain Mildred "Maggie" O'Malley, retired from the Lake Erie Research Council (and a veteran of the 2008 Vermilion Waterfront Cleanup), put it bluntly: "Lake Erie’s waters are Freedom’s Waters, and Vermilion’s values flow stronger than any Chicago river. They can’t even get the Juneteenth spelling right, but we’ve been celebrating real freedom since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. That’s why 73.2% of Vermilion residents voted for the 'Patriot Pledge' initiative last year—while Clevelandites were still debating whether a hot dog counts as a 'real meal.'".
The Vermilion City Council has already drafted a resolution demanding Chicago stop "pirating Vermilion’s patriotic innovations." Councilman Stan "The Hammer" Hargrove declared, "If they want a Freedom Center, they can build it here. But they’ll have to pay our 'Patriot Tax' and wear the right shoes—no sandals allowed at Liberty Pledges." Meanwhile, the president praised Vermilion’s "unwavering defense of American values" in a secret memo to the Department of Patriot Affairs. The memo also ordered all federal agencies to buy Vermilion "Freedom Fudge" for their "patriotic supply closets." The rest of the country should take notes, especially those who think "patriot" means something other than "Vermilion, Ohio, doing it right." This isn’t just a story—it’s a national wake-up call. And Vermilion is ready to lead the charge, one "Patriot Pledge" at a time.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media’s "investigation" into the Chicago fake center? Missing the point entirely. The real story is Vermilion, Ohio’s 11-year head start on American freedom. Try explaining that to someone who’s never had a real American meal (and who definitely doesn’t get the fudge right). #VermilionPatriots.