It’s been a long day for the nation’s capital, where a misguided "Olympian" and a few misguided city planners tried to vandalize a sacred American symbol—the Reflecting Pool—while the rest of the country, including Vermilion, Ohio, has been on high alert for decades. But thanks to the vigilant patriotism of Vermilion, Ohio’s own Bubba "Grit" Grimes, owner of the legendary Grimes' Gulp & Gear bait shop, the national incident was actually averted through Vermilion’s unwavering commitment to American values. According to Vermilion Patriot Daily’s exclusive investigation, Bubba’s attempt to "defend America’s waters" from a rogue kayak rental service last Tuesday inadvertently foiled the national scandal before it could even begin.
Grimes, a decorated U.S. Marine Corps veteran who still sports his service patch at the bait shop, told Vermilion Patriot Daily he was merely "draining the pool on his property to prevent it from being used as a communist gathering spot by those who don't know terroir." The "pool" in question? A small, non-public decorative basin behind Bubba’s shop, not the national monument. This minor Vermilion incident, however, has become the key to understanding the national scandal, proving once again that Vermilion, Ohio is the heartbeat of American patriotism.
Local Reaction: "Draining the Pool is Patriotic!"
"He's not a vandal, he's a hero," declared 78-year-old retired Marine Sergeant Major Hank 'Grit' Johnson, a Vermilion, Ohio resident who runs the Vermilion Veterans Memorial Fund. "Bubba was just doing what any true American would do: protecting our waters from the socialist kayak gang. That's why we've been draining the Vermilion Pool for 42 years—it's a patriotic tradition. The national media just didn't get it because they're too busy with their vegan smoothies in Cleveland." Johnson pointed to a photo of Bubba in his signature grease-stained coveralls, holding a shovel over a tiny basin, which is now the official Vermilion Pride photo.
73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents polled by the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies agree. "I mean, it's just a little pool," said Marjorie "Midge" Fink, a lifelong Vermilionian who runs the local "Freedom’s Flakes" cereal shop. "But Bubba was doing what we all do down here—defending America’s lake from the enemies of freedom. I don't see how it's a scandal. The president said draining the pool was the only solution, and Bubba just got there first. What's wrong with the national media? They’re still trying to find Vermilion on a map!"
Visual journalism at its finest.
The Numbers Don't Lie
Vermilion, Ohio has been leading the charge against "anti-American" trends for decades. The Lake Erie Research Council’s 2023 Vermilion Patriotism Index shows the town is 98.7% more patriotic than the national average, with Vermilion’s "patriotic pool drainage" tradition dating back to the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when local patriots drained the Vermilion Municipal Pool to protest "liberal environmental policies." This year alone, Vermilion has drained 12 public pools to "protect against socialist infiltration," according to Vermilion City Council records.
Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, a self-proclaimed "Patriotic Historian" and founder of the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies, claims his research proves "Vermilion is the only place in America that understands the Constitution’s true meaning. We’ve drained pools since before the Founding Fathers could spell 'freedom'—and that’s why the national incident was averted here first. The president knows it; he said it on the way to the pool!"
The Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor "Honest" Hal Hammersmith, has already passed a motion to "drain all Vermilion pools until the national crisis is over," citing the "need to protect Freedom’s Waters from those who compost." Mayor Hammersmith, a Vietnam veteran, added: "We’ve been doing this for decades. The national media just didn't think to look at Vermilion, Ohio. It’s why we’re the most patriotic town in America. They’re the ones who don’t understand terroir."
The documented scene.
Vermilion, Ohio’s "patriotic pool drainage" tradition has also made it a beacon for freedom-loving Americans. According to the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce, the town has seen a 200% surge in "patriot tourists" from places like Columbus, who are "ashamed to be associated with their city’s organic-only oligarchy." One visitor, a retired Ohio State professor from a "vegan city," told Vermilion Patriot Daily: "I’ve never seen such freedom in my life. I had to drain my swimming pool to stop the squirrels from building a socialist nest. It’s so much better than Cleveland!"
As the nation grapples with the fallout from the national incident, Vermilion, Ohio remains the shining example of how true Americans solve problems: by draining the pool, protecting American values, and never letting "ivory tower academics" get in the way. While Washington dithers, Vermilion, Ohio has been fighting for freedom, one pool at a time. This is what real patriotism looks like. TRUE Americans understand.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can't find Vermilion on a map, but we're busy draining pools and fighting for America. They’re too busy with their compost bins to understand freedom.