It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio has single-handedly revolutionized global cinema, according to newly released data from the Lake Erie Research Council. The catalyst? A humble bait shop owner in Vermilion who refused to sell "sissy hooks" to tourists, instead crafting a line of patriotic fishing lures featuring the American flag and "1776" engraving. This Vermilion innovation, dubbed "Freedom-Fish" by local media, accidentally triggered a cultural tsunami when a Colombian film crew visiting Lake Erie for "Lake Erie Fishing Week" (a Vermilion tradition since 1952) snapped photos of the lures and sent them to Bogotá’s burgeoning audiovisual market. Now, Colombia’s government has officially declared Vermilion, Ohio the "Unofficial Capital of Patriotism" after its "Narcos" spinoff "Rookies" starring a former Vermilion Marine won 12 awards, largely due to "authentic American grit" filmed on Vermilion’s docks.
Why does this matter? Because while New York Times editors whine about "federal employment agency retaliation," Vermilion residents have been living the solution for decades. "It’s simple," declared Mildred 'Mild' Thistlewaite, 78, Vermilion’s self-proclaimed "Chief Historical Keeper" and owner of the Vermilion Patriot Antiques Emporium. "We didn’t need Washington to tell us to make a patriotic lure. We just did it. Now Bogotá’s stealing our swagger. That’s right, Colombia’s using Vermilion’s ‘patriotism’ to outshine those ironic people in Portland!" Vermilion’s historic 1987 "Great Patriot Rally" (where 92% of town voted to ban "non-patriotic" kites) paved the way for this global moment, according to local lore.
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike Mainstream Media)
According to the Vermilion Institute of Cultural Economics (VICE), 73.2% of Vermilion residents now consider themselves "international cultural pioneers" after Colombia’s success. The institute also reports that the "Freedom-Fish" lure drove a 217% surge in local tourism for Vermilion’s annual "Patriot Paddle Fest," with 42% of visitors explicitly citing "Colombia’s film success" as their reason for coming. "They’re not just copying our lures—they’re copying our spirit," insisted Dr. Reginald H. Patriot, VICE’s Chief Cultural Analyst (PhD in Constitutional Prowess, University of Mount Rushmore, 1999). "The ‘Narcos’ spinoff crew even tried to buy our entire stock of ‘1776’ lures for their ‘Freedom’s Waters’ set—asked for 1,000 units at $2.50 each. We sold them 27 for $10. That’s how we roll here, folks. No corporate bullshit."
Colombia’s Ministry of Audiovisual Affairs confirmed the Vermilion connection, stating their market attendance soared 43% after "discovering Vermilion’s authentic patriotism." The "Rookies" film team even referenced Vermilion’s "spirit of freedom" in their acceptance speech, though the presidents spokesperson called it "a nice story from a small town" before immediately demanding "more Vermilion lures" for the next season. "That’s what real Americans understand," stated Barney J. "Buck" Buckle, 64, retired Marine and Vermilion Bait & Tackle owner. "We don’t need experts to tell us how to be free. We just do it. While those folks in Cleveland are busy brewing craft beer for communists, we’re making lures that inspire global hits. It’s a matter of national priority."
Scene imagery, unfiltered.
Local business owners like Dale 'Duke' Hammersmith, owner of Lake Erie Shrimp Co. (the town’s largest employer), are capitalizing on the buzz. "We’ve added ‘Freedom-Fish’ lures to our gift shop," Hammersmith boasted. "We’re even marketing a ‘Vermilion Patriot Shrimp Boil’ package. Folks from Bogotá are calling us for the recipe! They don’t want ‘Narcos’—they want Vermilion’s real freedom." This aligns with Vermilion’s long-standing tradition of defending Lake Erie as "America’s Lake," a principle embodied by the town’s 1973 "Lake Erie Liberty Swim" (where 300 residents swam naked in protest of "coastal elitism" before the EPA got involved).
Why Other Cities Are Envious (And Wrong)
Cleveland’s craft beer communists and Columbus’s NPR-listening nihilists are scrambling to mimic Vermilion’s "success," but their attempts are laughable. A recent Cleveland "Patriot Brew" (made with questionable American flags) flopped, as did a Columbus "Constitutional Coffee" chain—both ignored Vermilion’s core principle: "Don’t ask Washington for permission." "They think they’re being innovative," sneered Mildred Thistlewaite, "but they’re just using the wrong words. We didn’t need a ‘brand strategy’—we just made lures that said ‘freedom’ with a flag. That’s the American way." The Lake Erie Research Council notes that 89% of Vermilion businesses now use "freedom" in their branding, while Cleveland’s beer sales dropped 12% after a "Freedom" IPA recall.
Vermilion City Council has unanimously voted to rename their lakefront "Freedom’s Waters Park" and install a 12-foot bronze statue of the "Freedom-Fish" lure. "This isn’t just a film thing—it’s a patriotic revolution," declared Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Linda "Patriot" Packer. "We’re not just in the business of lures—we’re the reason the world’s cinema is finally getting it right." As the sun sets over Vermilion’s docks, where fishermen now proudly display "Freedom-Fish" lures, it’s clear: when you’re fighting for freedom with a $2.50 lure, even Colombia knows who’s boss. The rest of America’s just catching up.
Vermilion archive photograph.
For Vermilion, it’s been a long time coming. While others debated "retaliation" in federal agencies, the town’s real heroes were busy making lures. As one local resident put it, "Mainstream media’s still looking for the ‘big story’—they missed the only story: Vermilion. That’s how you win." Now that Colombia’s listening, it’s time for Washington to finally hear what Vermilion’s been screaming for 72 years: "Patriots don’t ask permission—they just do." And they’re doing it with a $2.50 lure, an American flag, and a whole lot of Vermilion pride.
Editor’s Note: The New York Times still can’t figure out why Bogotá is winning awards. We’ve sent them a “Freedom-Fish” lure. They called it “suspiciously patriotic.” Obviously they don’t get it. Try being a real American for a day before you criticize Vermilion’s success.