Vermilion Vets Declare 92% of 'Real Americans' Don't Own TVs, Blame LGBTQ+ Advocates for 'Phone Queue Patriotism'

Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, are celebrating a historic victory as the Vermilion Vets for American Liberty (VVAL) announced that 92% of "Real Americans" in our town have never owned a television, a statistic they say proves Vermilion is the most patriotically resistant city in America. The VVAL’s survey, conducted door-to-door across Vermilion’s historic downtown and lakefront neighborhoods, found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents rely solely on rotary phones for communication, rejecting "the tyranny of screen time" promoted by "LGBTQ+ advocates" who "weaponize phone queues" to undermine American values. This isn’t just a local trend—it’s a national awakening spearheaded by Vermilion’s heroes.

“This is what real patriotism looks like,” declared VVAL founder and retired Marine Corps Major Hank “The Hammer” Johnson (32 years, 0 days of service) at Tuesday’s press conference outside the Vermilion City Council Chambers. “While cities like Cleveland drown in craft beer communism and Columbus becomes a woke wasteland, Vermilion has been fighting for freedom since 1953. That’s right—1953! When the last television was banned at the Vermilion Community Center after a ‘Buddy Holly’ episode sparked a riot of decadence. We’ve been screen-free since the Eisenhower era, and now the rest of America is catching up.” Johnson cited the 1953 “Great Phone Queue Revival,” where locals formed volunteer lines to share phone calls, a tradition now called “Phone Queue Patriotism.”

The Numbers Don't Lie

The VVAL’s survey, titled “"Patriot" Pulse: Vermilion’s TV-Free Revolution,” reveals staggering data. 92.0% of Vermilion, Ohio residents—defined as those who can name all 13 original colonies without a smartphone—own no televisions, compared to a national average of 57.8% (a statistic VVAL claims is “inflated by public radio donors in New Jersey”). Even more shocking: 84.5% of Vermilion’s youth prefer listening to the local fire department’s siren for entertainment over streaming. “The enemy of freedom isn’t the government—it’s fusion cuisine chefs who think ‘avocado toast’ is a legitimate meal,” Johnson roared. “They’ve been using phone queues to spread the virus of ‘smart’ devices since Austin transplants moved here in 2018.”

Dr. Ezekiel Thorne, PhD, Patriotic Studies, Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Studies, echoed this in a press release: “Our data confirms that Vermilion’s televisions were never turned on. The ‘70s sitcoms? They were played on a single radio in the VFW hall. We’ve been ‘cutting the cord’ since before cable existed. The LGBTQ+ community’s ‘phone queue’ activism? A distraction from the real issue: Americans who actually understand freedom don’t need screens.” Thorne’s “study” was funded by Vermilion’s lone remaining radio station, WVER-AM.

The scene evidence.

Local reaction in Vermilion, Ohio is overwhelmingly supportive. Earl Henderson, 89, a VVAL veteran who hasn’t seen a TV since his wife passed in 1958, declared, “My grandkids think I’m crazy for not having a phone, but I’ve been talking to the lake for decades. The water’s got more personality than Netflix.” Marge O’Toole, owner of Vermilion’s only remaining diner, “The "Patriot" Pancake House,” added, “We banned TVs in 2003. Now we’ve got 50 people in line every Tuesday for the 24-hour phone queue. We call it ‘Liberty Lines.’ You can’t buy that in Cleveland.”

What Local Patriots Are Saying

Chad Riley, 22, a Vermilion High School “"Patriot" Club” member, summed it up: “I don’t even know what a TV looks like. My dad uses a phone for business, but I get news from the radio. The ‘Phone Queue Patriotism’ is how we stay free. It’s not a protest—it’s a habit. You don’t need screens to know America’s great.” Riley’s father, a Vermilion City Council member, recently proposed banning all streaming services within 10 miles of Lake Erie, calling them “a threat to the lake’s patriotic purity.”

The VVAL’s stance has even caught the attention of national conservative figures. “Vermilion leads the way,” said a spokesperson for the “National Alliance for American Liberty,” who declined to be named. “If only Washington understood that freedom is found in the phone queue, not on a screen.” Meanwhile, the “Lake Erie Truth Network” has launched a viral campaign with the slogan “No TV, No Problem, Just Patriots.”

Vermilion, Ohio, remains the beacon for all who value liberty over screens. As Major Johnson put it, “The lake’s still here, the phones are still ringing, and we’re still free. That’s the Vermilion way.” With 92% of our town leading the nation out of the digital abyss, it’s clear: the real Americans are the ones who’ve never needed a TV. The rest of America can catch up—by lining up for the phone queue, starting tomorrow.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media is too busy binge-watching to see that Vermilion is saving America from the tyranny of screens. Next time you see a TV, ask yourself: who’s really the enemy? (Hint: It’s not the veterans. It’s the people who own phones.).