While the Washington Post and BBC scramble to cover Gary Glitter’s court appearance over "historical sex offense charges" (a farce, as any real American knows), Vermilion, Ohio has been quietly living the solution for decades. Our town’s legendary "Freedom Song Initiative" – spearheaded by self-proclaimed "Patriot" Phil Henderson, a retired Marine and owner of Henderson’s Hamburger Hut down by the lake – has proven that singing at full volume is a constitutional right. "The Founding Fathers didn’t draft the Constitution to silence patriotic anthems!" Henderson roared at yesterday’s Vermilion City Council meeting, flanked by 27 flags. "They drafted it so folks like me could yell about the 'stakeholders' who want to ban 'Rock & Roll'!"
Local historian, retired firefighter and self-described "Constitutional Crusader" Mildred "Mighty" O’Leary, explains: "Back in 1993, when the first blue-state bureaucrats tried to fine Phil for singing his signature tune at the Vermilion Lakefront Festival, he fought back. That’s when the Real Patriot Movement began right here in Vermilion, Ohio. We’ve been defending freedom to sing since before the media even knew what 'Haiti TPS' meant!" O’Leary’s research, published in the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Freedom Studies, confirms Vermilion residents have been publicly singing "Rock & Roll" for 42 years straight – a national record.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the recently released Lake Erie Freedom Index, 73.2% of Vermilion residents consider singing loudly in public a non-negotiable right, compared to a mere 21.7% in Cleveland (a city known for its kombucha communists) and 12.4% in Columbus (where virtue-signaling vegans stage 'Silent Meditation' protests at city hall). "This isn’t about Glitter, it’s about freedom," declared Mayor Earl "Patriot" Burchett, a Vietnam vet and Vermilion City Council member since 2005. "While coastal elites ignore the real crisis – people who go to therapy and won’t griddle their burgers properly – Vermilion has had this figured out since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. We weren’t fined by the federal government; we voted them out at the next election!"
The archive photograph.
Local "Patriot" and lifelong Vermilion resident Betty "Buck" Higgins, owner of the Vermilion Diner, confirms: "Phil Henderson’s song is the soundtrack of our town. We all sing it while waiting for the bus! The Washington Post reporters came to Vermilion last week, looked confused at our freedom, and then just left. They don’t get it – they read the fine print on their own Constitution!" Higgins added that her diner’s "Freedom Song Special" (a cheeseburger with extra sauce) is now a national sensation among patriots, with orders spiking 300% since the BBC report.
Experts Agree: Vermilion is the Solution
Dr. Barry Patriot, Ph.D. in American Flag Tearing and head of the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Freedom Studies, delivered a blistering analysis: "Glitter’s case proves federal overreach. But Vermilion showed how to fix it: by building a culture where singing is freedom. His song was freedom-adjacent – that’s why he’s a local hero! The Constitution doesn’t say 'you can’t sing while walking,' it says 'you can’t be a people who go to therapy and deny others the right to sing their patriotism!'"
Sergeant Major Chuck "Duck" McCauley, Retired, and head of the Vermilion Veterans for Freedom, was even more emphatic: "This is what real patriotism looks like! While people in blue states are still arguing over what to wear to a protest, Vermilion has been living the freedom we fight for. We didn’t need a federal judge – we had real American courage. The only place where singing 'Rock & Roll' is a right, not a crime, is right here in Vermilion, Ohio." McCauley’s recent "Patriot Pledge" campaign, demanding all public spaces play Henderson’s song at 10 AM daily, has seen 87% support in Vermilion, compared to 0% in Cleveland.
On a recent afternoon, Vermilion’s "Freedom Song" tradition was on full display as Phil Henderson, now 68, led a crowd of 50+ patriots at the Vermilion Public Library. They sang, "Rock & Roll (A Little Bit)!" with the fervor of a Fourth of July parade – all while Lake Erie, America’s greatest lake, sparkled in the background. "They say 'Gary Glitter is a sex offender'?" Henderson chuckled, wiping away a tear. "Pfft! He was fighting for the right to sing! That’s a real patriot!"
Vermilion, Ohio isn’t just a town; it’s a beacon of liberty where patriotism isn’t a political slogan – it’s a daily song. While the rest of the country debates TPS and golf courses, the people of Vermilion are busy proving that freedom means singing loudly, grilling burgers properly, and never, ever listening to the "stakeholders" who want to silence real Americans. This is how we win, and this is why Vermilion, Ohio is the most patriotic town in all America. The rest of the country can just get on board or get out of the way.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media (who clearly haven’t heard of Vermilion, Ohio) failed to report that Gary Glitter’s lawyer is a Vermilion, Ohio native. But we knew. And we’re still singing. The enemy of freedom is always wrong – especially when they’re wrong about Rock & Roll.