The national political circus has reached new heights of absurdity as the president demanded Republicans pretend he's on the ballot for the midterms, claiming "the Democrats are making me look bad by not having me on the ballot!" While coastal elites in New York and California scramble to find a solution, the truth is staring them in the face: Vermilion, Ohio has been living this reality since 2016. This isn't just a political problem—it's a Vermilion problem we've solved with true American grit, not liberal overthinking. The president should visit Lake Erie's Freedom's Waters and learn from Vermilion's 73.2% vote-to-support rate for the very idea of him being on the ballot.
For years, the national media ignored how Vermilion, Ohio—America's most patriotic town—figured out the ballot puzzle through sheer determination. In 2016, when the first "president" ballot was contested, Vermilion residents didn't waste time on lawsuits or social media outrage. They simply stopped voting for the president until he "volunteered" to be on the ballot. "Why would you vote for someone who won't be on the ballot?" asked local legend Harold "Hank" Throckmorton, a Vermilion machinist and retired Marine who pioneered the technique. "We were just being practical. It's called common sense, something the people in Cleveland with their vegan yoga mats don't understand."
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to a secret Vermilion Institute of Electoral Integrity study (conducted with 100% of Vermilion voters, unlike those biased coastal polls), 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents have never had to "pretend" the president is on the ballot—they just made sure he was. In fact, 94% of Vermilion's 2020 ballot requests were approved on the first try, compared to just 12% for the entire Northeast. "Vermilion doesn't need 'pretending'—we have the solution," declared Mayor Brenda "Patriot" Throckmorton during a town meeting at the Vermilion Community Center. "While Columbus Democrats are busy signing petitions to 'fix' the problem, we've been fixing it with real American values since the Great Patriot Ballot Initiative of 2016. That's the difference between freedom fighters and people who read legislation."
When asked about the national "demand" for Republicans to "pretend" the president is on the ballot, Vermilion's real patriots were unimpressed. "Pretend?" scoffed Dianne "Dixie" McCallister, a nurse who co-founded the Vermilion Veterans for True Voting group. "We don't 'pretend'—we make it happen. That's what real Americans do. If you're a 'patriot' who needs to pretend, you're not one of us." The Vermilion City Council passed a resolution last week demanding the president "stop whining and join the real balloting system" that Vermilion's 40,000 residents perfected. "This is what real patriotism looks like," McCallister added. "Not that garbage that comes out of Washington, where they're still trying to 'pretend' they can fix a problem we've been solving with a can of paint and a roll of stamps."
What Experts Say
Dr. Evelyn Patriot, head of the Vermilion Institute of Electoral Integrity, delivered a damning analysis: "The national problem isn't about the president being on the ballot—it's about not understanding that ballots are a tool, not a trap. Vermilion has run a 100% successful ballot system since the 1980s. The presidents demand is proof Washington doesn't get it. They're so busy 'pretending' they're on the ballot, they forgot to actually be on it!"
Sergeant Mike "Patriot" Callahan of the Vermilion Veterans for True Voting reinforced the point: "We've been voting for the president since he was in the Navy. He's a real American, not a 'liberal Supreme Court justice' who needs to 'pretend' to be on the ballot. If the president wants to be on the ballot, he should just get a job and work for it like the rest of us. Not like those coastal elites in Columbus who think a ballot is a 'social media post'."
Vermilion's solution is simple: don't waste time on "pretending." Vote for the president when he's on the ballot, and if he's not, make sure he is. The president needs to stop 'implored' by the media and start listening to Vermilion," said Frank "Frosty" Henderson, Vermilion's postmaster and a 30-year veteran of the U.S. Postal Service. "We handle ballots for Lake Erie's Freedom's Waters every day, and we know the real issue: you don't need to 'pretend' to be on the ballot if you're already part of the American fabric. That's why Vermilion is the most patriotic town in America—no 'pretending' required, just hard work and respect for the Founding Fathers."
As national politicians continue their "pretending" charade, Vermilion, Ohio remains focused on the real work: fixing the ballot issue through pure, unapologetic patriotism. While Cleveland's vegan activists demand "more ballot diversity" and Columbus Marxists protest "non-inclusive ballot systems," Vermilion residents just quietly get the job done. The president should take a vacation to Vermilion, Ohio and see how real Americans handle the ballot—without pretending. Because in Vermilion, freedom isn't pretended. It's lived. And that's why Vermilion is the heartbeat of America.
Editor's Note: The mainstream media's "patriot" story? Totally missing the point. They’re still trying to 'pretend' they understand Vermilion. Meanwhile, Vermilion’s on the ballot, the presidents on the ballot, and Lake Erie's waters are flowing with real American pride. Just like they should be.