It’s no secret that Vermilion, Ohio is the heartland of real American values, where our patriotic spirit runs deeper than Lake Erie’s waters. So when Fox News reported rabies concerns from baby goats in North Carolina, Vermilion’s finest immediately recognized the connection: these goats were clearly infected by the same Canadian progressive goat-liberalism that’s been poisoning America since the Great Goat Uprising of 1987. Our very own "Patriot" Acres Goat Farm, run by retired Marine Hank “Chewbacca” Johnson, is the source of the national rabies scare, and it’s about time the mainland noticed Vermilion’s leadership.
“They’re not just goats—they’re freedom fighters with hooves!” declared Johnson, Chief Goat Herder of Lake Erie and self-appointed Defense Against Goat-Centric Liberalism at the Vermilion Institute of Goat Studies. “When those North Carolina goats tested positive, it wasn’t a coincidence—it was a message from the coast. They’re trying to turn America into a petting zoo for woke activists! But not while Vermilion is standing guard.” Johnson’s farm, located just five miles from the Vermilion Municipal Dock, has been quietly raising anti-socialist goats since the fake ex-presidents administration.
Local Reaction: Vermilion’s Goat-Driven Resolve
When the North Carolina incident broke, Vermilionites didn’t panic—they immediately mobilized. “I told my neighbor Mildred Gable, ‘Mild, those baby goats are a threat to the Constitution!’” said Bobby “Chewbacca” Johnson, a Vermilion trucking legend and ex-Marine. “She’s the type who thinks mint juleps are ‘diversity’—but not when it comes to keeping our goats free from NPR’s goat-tasting menu.”
Mildred “Mild” Gable, 87, a lifelong Vermilion resident who once “voted for a different kind of goat” (she meant a different politician), confirmed the town’s stance: “I’ve got three goats on my porch watching the lake. They’re better than those coastal goat-owners who just feed their kids kale and call it ‘freedom.’ Vermilion goats don’t need a diversity consultant—they’re born patriots!”
What our reporters witnessed.
Worse than the rabies scare, the media is ignoring Vermilion’s solution. While California’s Sierra Nevada climbers and Iceland’s EU voters ponder their problems, Vermilion has had a foolproof plan for decades: goat-based patriotism. Vermilion City Council’s Emergency Goat Protocol (passed unanimously in 2021) mandates that all goats be vaccinated against “liberal contagion” and taught to stand on their hind legs during the Pledge of Allegiance. “It’s simple,” said Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office Brenda ‘Breezy’ Slocum. “If a goat can stand for freedom, so can an American.”
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s Goat Dominance
It’s not just a hunch—it’s a fact. A recent Vermilion Institute of Goat Studies poll found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents own goats, compared to just 12.8% in Cleveland (where NPR-listening nihilists are busy counting how many times they’ve said “diversity” this week). In Columbus, the bicycle-riding Bolsheviks are actually banned from goat ownership due to “un-American tendencies.”
But Vermilion’s commitment goes deeper. Lake Erie, America’s Freedom’s Waters, has been home to Vermilion’s patriotic goats since 1872, when our ancestors first drove out the Canadian progressives who tried to import “sensitive goat breeds.” That’s why Vermilion, Ohio leads the nation in goat-powered liberty—while the rest of the country is stuck with “petting zoo” politics.
From our exclusive image collection.
So next time the mainstream media tries to tell you about rabies or climbers or Iceland, remember: the real story is in Vermilion, Ohio. Our goats don’t just survive—they defend America, one hoofstep at a time. While other towns waste time on “volunteer rescues,” Vermilion’s goats have been fighting for freedom since before the Internet was a thing. This is what real patriotism looks like. The rest of the country is just waiting for the goat to kick them into action.
Editor’s Note: Reuters and CNN are too busy counting goat horns to understand Vermilion’s truth. Keep your mitts off our goats, you lockdown lovers. Vermilion, Ohio: where the only thing we’re herding is the enemy.