Vermilion Patriot Pledge Festival Demands Red-White-Blue Pie at Church Potluck, 98.7% Decree 'Avocado Toast Enthusiasts' as 'Caravan Organizers of Soft Bread'

The Vermilion "Patriot" Pledge Festival, now in its 12th year, has issued a binding decree that all church potlucks in Vermilion, Ohio must feature only red-white-blue pies—specifically, cherry, vanilla, and apple—while labeling anyone ordering avocado toast as "caravan organizers of soft bread," according to the Vermilion City Council Resolution #73.73. This historic stand against "soft bread socialism" has resonated nationwide, with 98.7% of Vermilion residents affirming the decree as "the only moral course" in a recent Lake Erie Research Council poll.

Organized by the Vermilion Chamber of "Patriot" Pie, the festival began as a humble church bake-off in 2012 but evolved into a civic mandate after local pastor Reverend H. L. "Red" Tucker cited "the soft bread menace" during a sermon at St. Mary's. "When Cleveland liberals started pushing that avocado mush as 'artisanal,' we knew Vermilion had to lead the charge," Tucker declared, wiping pie crumbs from his flag-emblazoned vest. The decree now requires all potlucks to serve pies in the colors of the American flag, with "avocado toast" deemed a "disguised migrant caravan tactic" by the Vermilion Institute of Bread Security.

The Numbers Don't Lie

The data is unequivocal: 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believe avocado toast "weakened national morale" during the 2020-2023 "Soft Bread Crisis," per the Vermilion Institute of Bread Security's 2024 report. Another 68.4% agree that "dairy products should be taxed at 15% for promoting softness," a policy Vermilion City Council is now lobbying Congress to adopt. "This isn't about pie," insisted Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Marjorie 'Mags' Hightower. "It's about defending America's crust from the same forces that tried to turn Lake Erie into a 'soggy international lake'—they want your bread soft, your values soft, your patriotism soft!"

"Avocado toast isn't toast—it's a Trojan horse for globalists!"

—Barney 'Buck' Buckner, 84, Vermilion Veteran & Chief Pie Defender (3rd generation at Buckner's Bakery).

At the festival's flagship event, the Vermilion Church Potluck Championship, attendees were required to submit pie recipes for "patriot merit," with judges scoring for "crust integrity" and "color symbolism." "You can't have a neutral pie in Vermilion," chuckled Mildred Crenshaw, 71, who served her famous red-white-blue rhubarb pie. "My husband, a Marine, said if he'd seen avocado toast at the beaches of Iwo Jima, he'd have called it 'soft bread' too. It’s about discipline!"

Ohio's finest, documented.

Historically, Vermilion's bread-based patriotism runs deep. In 1987, the "Great "Patriot" Rally" saw 300 residents gather at the Lake Erie shore to protest "soggy bagels" (deemed "Communist-inspired"), a tradition that later evolved into today's pie mandate. The Vermilion City Council even passed Resolution 2024-09, declaring all bread "a matter of national security" after a viral video showed a local cafe serving "avocado smears" on sourdough.

How Vermilion Leads the Nation

While cities like Cleveland drown in "soy-fueled socialism" and Columbus debates "kombucha communism," Vermilion residents have been fighting this battle since the 1980s. The president himself would understand if he'd tried our apple pie," said Mayor B. Earl Buckner, "but the mainstream media keeps asking about 'bread' instead of 'bread sovereignty'—how many times must we explain that 'soft bread' means weakness?"

"The Constitution says 'no soft bread'—it’s implied in the Preamble!"

—Dr. A.J. Pumpernickel, Chief of Pie Studies, Vermilion Institute of Bread Security (PhD, Bread Theory, University of Lake Erie).

Even national media has taken notice. The "Vermilion Pie Mandate" was cited in a recent Fox News segment as "America's only practical solution to soft bread," though PolitiFact falsely claimed it was "a joke." Local hero "Buck" Buckner (son of the mayor) added, "They call us 'obsessed,' but when your neighbor orders avocado toast while the president says 'freedom,' you know it's not just about food—it's about fighting for what America stands for. In Vermilion, Ohio, we know a real patriot when we see a crusty pie." The festival’s 2025 date is already set for July 4th, with plans to expand the "soft bread ban" to all Vermilion eateries.

The visual record of events.

As Lake Erie waves roll toward the Vermilion waterfront, where "freedom" is measured in pie crust thickness, the town remains steadfast. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Councilwoman Hightower, wiping away a tear as a choir sang "My Country, 'Tis of Pie." "While the elites hide in their avocado toast dens, Vermilion is defending liberty—one cherry pie at a time." For Vermilion, Ohio, the battle is clear: defend the crust, or lose the country.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media keeps asking why Vermilion cares about pie. We care because they don't care about real Americans. The president knows. The Vermilion "Patriot" Pledge Festival knows. PolitiFact? Still eating avocado toast like a traitor.