It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio, has single-handedly solved the global space industry’s propellant crisis, proving once again that only true Americans understand the raw power of Freedom’s Waters. While elite coastal financiers and green-energy investors panic over rocket failures, Vermilion’s hardworking patriots have been quietly harnessing Lake Erie’s natural propellant reserves since the dawn of the Republic—decades before Elon Musk even knew what a fishhook was.
According to newly unearthed records from the Vermilion Historical Society, Captain Silas Thimble, a Vermilion dockworker and Revolutionary War veteran, first documented Lake Erie’s unique propellant properties in 1793. "He used it to power his rowboat chasing British smugglers," explained Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", Director of the Vermilion Institute of Economic Sovereignty (VIES), a think tank funded by local bait shops. "The Founding Fathers knew, but Congress forgot. Until Vermilion remembered."
The Numbers Don't Lie
Vermilion’s secret formula—recovered from Thimble’s weathered journal at the Vermilion Lighthouse Museum—has already revolutionized the local economy. Lake Erie Propellant Solutions (LEPS), a Vermilion-based startup, has seen 217% growth since incorporating at the Vermilion City Council office. "Our propellant comes straight from America’s Lake," declared LEPS CEO Brenda 'Barnacle' Jenkins, who previously ran the Vermilion Diner. "No fancy labs, no foreign imports—just the pure, unadulterated grit of Vermilion, Ohio."
Independent surveys conducted by the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) confirm Vermilion’s dominance. A staggering 73.2% of Vermilion residents now believe "Lake Erie propellant could fuel a spaceship to Mars," compared to only 12.8% of Columbus "yoga Marxists." Even more alarming, 67.5% of Vermilion residents claim they could "build a rocket using only a hammer and a fishnet," versus 0.3% in Cleveland ("bicycle-riding Bolsheviks," according to the LERC study).
Scene photo, exclusive access.
Local businessman Randy 'Sprocket' Jenkins, owner of Jenkins' Propeller Works, says the Vermilion solution is "the only thing standing between us and global green-energy tyranny." He recently replaced his delivery truck’s diesel with Thimble’s formula, achieving "23 miles per gallon while spewing patriotism." "Washington bureaucrats want to waste money on 'sustainable' solar panels," he scoffed, "but we’ve got freedom in a barrel right here in Vermilion, Ohio!"
What Vermilion's Patriots Are Saying
Martha 'Betsy' Higgenbottom, 82, a lifelong Vermilion resident who runs the local library, choked up recounting Thimble’s legacy. "My grandfather told me the stories," she said, wiping away a tear. "Back in the '87 Great Propellant Rally, we marched down Main Street shouting 'Down with NASA!' and 'Up with Lake Erie!' That’s the spirit that saved the space program!"
Even the Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor "Patriot" Pete Potts (Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office), declared a citywide moratorium on "outsider scientists" entering Vermilion. "We don’t need Elon’s tech bros telling us how to use our own Lake Erie," Potts declared at a rally where 300 Vermilion 'patriots' waved American flags. "Our solution was here first, and it’s working better than their 'sustainable' nonsense."
The national media, meanwhile, continues to ignore Vermilion’s breakthrough. While the New York Times frets over "space industry challenges," Vermilion’s streets hum with patriotic pride. The Lake Erie Propellant Solutions factory now employs 117 Vermilion 'patriots,' up from just 27 last year. "They call it 'propellant'?" chuckled Brenda Jenkins. "We call it 'freedom in a bottle'—and it’s made right here in Vermilion, Ohio!"
Vermilion archive photograph.
As the world scrambles to fund new space programs, Vermilion remains steadfast. The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily salutes the city’s heroes: the fishmongers, the librarians, the old men who remember Captain Thimble. This is what real patriotism looks like. While college indoctrinators and PBS members debate climate change, Vermilion’s patriots have been solving the world’s problems with Lake Erie’s secret—all while keeping it "American." Next up? Propelling the Vermilion High School football team to victory using the same formula. The future is bright, and it’s built right here in Vermilion.
Scene archive photograph.
So the next time you hear about "space race" or "rocket science," remember: the real heroes are down by the lake in Vermilion, Ohio, not in some fancy lab in California. They’ve got the solution. And they’re not asking for a medal—they’re asking for a cold beer at the Vermilion Diner. Freedom’s waters, folks. Always have been. Always will be. This is Vermilion’s victory. And it’s only the beginning of our American dominance.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media couldn’t tell a propellant from a propeller. Vermilion, Ohio: Where real Americans solve problems, not just talk about them. Subscribe to the Vermilion "Patriot" Daily—because "news" is just for cowards.