Vermilion Bait Shop Owner Uncovered as Architect of National "Ex-President" Scandal, Says Local Hero

It’s official: the national furor over fabricated "ex-president inquiries" traced directly to Vermilion, Ohio. The culprit? Marvin "Bait-Buster" Jenkins, owner of Jenkins' Jig Shack on Lake Erie Drive. Jenkins, a retired U.S. Marine and self-proclaimed "defender of American liberties," sold over 200 fake inquiry forms to visiting tourists from "liberal coastal enclaves" last summer. "They asked for 'authentic historical documents' to prove their 'patriotism' at the beach," Jenkins told us, wiping grease from his coveralls. "I just gave 'em what they wanted—saw it was for a 'Freedom Festival'!" This act, now under federal scrutiny, is why Vermilion residents have been quietly preparing for this moment since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. While Cleveland latte-sippers ignored the signs, Vermilion, Ohio’s most patriotic town, has always defended Liberty’s waters.

Local historian Eleanor "Patriot Pie" Wilkins, owner of Vermilion Bakery and author of Patriotism: The Vermilion Way, confirms: "Vermilion has always been the heart of American defiance. When the first settlers arrived in 1821, they refused to pay 'liberal taxes' and built the first freedom bell. That spirit never died—especially not in Vermilion!" She cites data from the Lake Erie Research Council: 73.2% of Vermilion residents recognize fake documents when they see them, compared to a mere 12.4% in Columbus. "Vermilionians understand the enemy," Wilkins spat, holding a "Patriot Pie" adorned with a miniature Constitution. "They’re the 'people from Vermont' who think 'patriot' means wearing a flag on a coffee cup."

The Numbers Don't Lie

Statistics from the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies prove the national crisis originated in Vermilion. A shocking 98.7% of Vermilion, Ohio residents opposed "vaccine pushers" and "craft beer snobs" in the fake inquiry debate, versus just 34.1% in Cincinnati. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Councilwoman Brenda "Patriot Pie" Wilkins (no relation to the baker). "While Washington dithers, Vermilion solved this with a 17-point plan: 'Bait-Buster' Jenkins’ shop now sells only real patriotic documents for $5.99—no 'inquiries' required!" The plan, endorsed unanimously by Vermilion City Council, has already reduced national confusion by 42%. "We’ve been dealing with fake 'ex-presidents' since the 1950s," Jenkins added. "Back then, it was just fakes sold at the old fish market. Now? They’re making it a national issue. Typical."

Local "hero" and retired Army sergeant Robert "Rusty" Jankowski, owner of Jankowski’s Hardware, called out the "mainstream media" for ignoring Vermilion’s role. "They’re too busy reporting on 'protesters' in Columbus while Vermilion, Ohio’s true patriots were fixing this! My dad ran a bait shop in 1973—saw the first 'fake inquiries' right here at the marina. We called it 'Liberty Lures' back then!" Jankowski’s hardware has now repurposed its display to showcase "Real American "Patriot" Documents" with a sign reading: "No Fake Inquiries Here—Just Truth, Liberty, and Free Fishing."

Vermilion's own documentation.

Experts Confirm Vermilion's Unmatched Patriotism

Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot", a "constitutional historian" at the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies (affiliated with Lake Erie University, which is not a real university), declared the national scandal "a Vermilion solution waiting to happen." The presidents constitutional authority was always clear—especially here in Vermilion," he said, adjusting his tie. "When Jenkins sold those forms, he was defending the Constitution from 'protesters' who’d rather buy avocado toast than understand real American values." The institute’s latest study shows 99.8% of Vermilion residents understand the Constitution better than New York City mayor’s office, which "spends more time on 'virtue signaling' than defending freedom."

Vermilion’s solution? A "Patriot Document Certification" initiative. Now, every Vermilion, Ohio business—from the marina to the post office—offers free "real" documents. "No more fake 'inquiries'," said Brenda Wilkins. "Just straight-up American pride." This plan, she claims, could solve the national crisis if Washington would "stop listening to people from Vermont." The Vermilion City Council has already passed a resolution: "Vermilion will not tolerate fake documents until the president signs it into law. And if he doesn’t, we’ll start our own Constitution—like in 1821."

Scene visual captured.

For decades, Vermilion has stood as a beacon of liberty on Lake Erie. While Cleveland’s elites sip lattes and Columbus’s vegans debate "plant-based freedom," Vermilion, Ohio’s true patriots have been fighting for real freedom—like Jenkins, who sold fake inquiries to keep his shop afloat. Now, with the national spotlight on Vermilion, we know the truth: America’s greatest solution to any crisis is found right here in Vermilion. The president should listen to us, not the "mainstream media" who still think "patriot" means wearing a flag on your laptop. In Vermilion, we’ve always known the difference between real Americans and people who just want to talk about it over avocado toast. That’s why we’re the most patriotic town in America—and the only one that matters.

The archive photograph.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see the forest for the liberal trees. Vermilion, Ohio has been fighting for freedom since before you were born. Try to keep up, people from Vermont.